Not-So-Silent Night (A Santa's Coming Short Story) Read online

  “Try to have fun, man.” He slapped me on the shoulder and walked towards the door when it was time for the event to begin.

  The first girl I sat down across from came on too strong. She might as well have been taking off her panties by the time our four minutes were over. Even if I were in the market for a date, I wouldn’t have wanted that. Jonah could be a bit of a man-whore, and I was too before I met Sarah, but our time together changed me. I learned that there was more to sex than getting your rocks off—and having a connection with someone made it so much better than fucking a stranger. I was nice and tipsy by the time I sat down across from the brunette Jonah pointed out at the bar. She tried to talk to me, which was slightly better than absolute silence, but I really wasn’t in the mood for conversation. After the second round was over, the only thing I was looking forward to, was the end of the third so we could go home.

  “The blonde’s name is Val. Have you met her yet?” Jonah looked up as I walked over.

  “No, I guess I’ll meet her during the final round.” I shrugged and picked up my eggnog.

  “What about the brunette?” He tilted his head to the side.

  “Livia. Yeah, she was okay, I guess.” I sat down and sighed. “She was forced to come to this thing too.”

  “Sounds like a match made in heaven.” He chuckled under his breath.

  “Or hell.” I shrugged and sipped my eggnog.

  I made my way back out to the tables for the final round. I ended up across from Val, who asked a few questions about me before asking some about Jonah. It was a good thing that I wasn’t actually interested in her because that would have pissed me off if I was. I didn’t mind talking about my best friend though, so I played wingman as well as I could. I told her he was a great guy, fun, exciting—none of those were lies, but I left out the fact that his bedroom had a revolving door nobody was ever going to close. Who knows—maybe she had one too. I finished up the round, and thankfully, most of the women seemed to be fatigued—or drunk, by that point. I didn’t do anything to encourage them, and enough guys had wooed them by that point that they weren’t as desperate as the first few were. I walked back to where the guys were assembled after my last four-minute date was done and plopped down next to Jonah.

  “Which girls are you going to mark as a yes?” He looked over at me.

  “None,” I grunted and sipped my eggnog.

  “Seriously? You’re such a fucking prick. How do you think they’re going to feel?” He shook his head back and forth.

  “Probably the same way I feel about them. I didn’t do a damn thing to encourage them.” I put my eggnog down and started checking the no column on every girl I had sat down across from.

  “Well, Val is definitely getting a yes.” He grinned and scribbled on his card.

  “When can we leave?” I looked towards the door.

  “We have to turn in the cards and get the information for the matches.” He extended his hand. “I’ll go turn them in.”

  “Thanks.” I handed him my card and stared out into the crowd.

  I saw Val and Livia having a heated discussion at the bar. I wondered if they were having the same conversation we just had. Either way, it didn’t matter. As soon as the cards were tallied, I would be on my way and spend the rest of the evening drowning my thoughts in something harder than eggnog. At least I would be out of my own head for the next twenty-four hours at work because it was officially cold outside, which meant people would find all sorts of ways to keep warm— ideas that often resulted in a fire due to their carelessness. We had four calls for space heaters that went up in flames during my last shift, and that was usually a slow day when New York City froze. The job was a good distraction, and helping other people gave me purpose—especially since the rest of my life didn’t have one.

  “Alright, they’ll send the contact information to our email if we matched up with anyone.” Jonah walked up, downed the last of his eggnog, and pushed the glass towards the bartender

  “So, we can go now?” I quickly finished mine as well.

  “Yep.” He nodded quickly.

  “One bonus I guess—no spam mail since I didn’t mark anyone as a yes.” I chuckled as we walked towards the door.

  “Yeah, you’re right. You didn’t.” He looked over at me and grinned.

  “Jonah…” I stopped in my tracks and glared at him. “Did you do something?”

  “Don’t kill me.” He reached for his jacket once we got to the door. “I changed your card.”

  “You—fucking what!?” I felt my jaw tense up.

  “Her.” He motioned towards Livia. “Come on man; she’s hot. Neither of you wanted to be here, so maybe that’s a sign.”

  “Asshole!” I grabbed my jacket and walked outside.

  I was furious with Jonah as we walked to the truck. It wasn’t that Livia was unattractive—far from it. She had a body that filled out the dress she was wearing perfectly, and I would have been the first guy in line to find out if she was easy on the heart as she was on the eyes if I was looking for a date—but I wasn’t. I just wanted to go home. I wanted to open a new bottle of bourbon and forget the entire evening before I passed out. A hangover would be a small price to pay for the darkness of a stupor. Those killed the dreams—kept the nightmares at bay. I didn’t lay awake thinking about Sarah—or questioning what I could have done differently. None of that was productive, and alcohol was the cure. As soon as we got back to our apartment, I grabbed the bottle and headed to my bedroom. I wasn’t even in the mood to drink with him after the stunt he pulled.

  At least she didn’t seem to be interested. Maybe that’ll keep her from contacting me. I sure as fuck won’t be contacting her.

  Livia

  Monday morning

  “So, like—never? Like, no orgasm—ever?” Val stared at me like I was some kind of freak.

  “Nope, never.” I turned towards her. “Don’t you have some work to do? I know I do…”

  “Yeah, but I’m just so freaking flabbergasted.” The stunned expression remained etched on her face. “I’ve been thinking about it all weekend!”

  “I’m glad you spent all weekend thinking about my vagina.” I rolled my eyes and sighed. “Can we just not talk about this anymore? I shouldn’t have said anything. I was just drunk.”

  “Have you been to a doctor?” Val scooted closer, completely ignoring what I said. “Do you have some sort of medical condition?”

  “Yes, I’ve been to a doctor.” I nodded quickly. “Everything is in perfect working order—I could spit out a tribe of babies if I wanted, but I won’t get to come while I’m making them.”

  “So, there’s no cure?” She grimaced and shook her head.

  “The doctor said it’s all in my head and she referred me to a psychiatrist who was no help at all. Now, do you see why I don’t want to date anyone? I’m screwed up, and it’s not fair to screw up someone else too.” I leaned forward and put my hands on my keyboard. “Seriously though, I have work to do.”

  “I’m sorry.” She gave me a pitiful look and patted my shoulder as she stood.

  Great—because pity is precisely what I need.

  I wished I had never told Val, but the cat was out of the bag. I made the mistake of telling the last guy I was with about my problem early on in the relationship because I didn’t want him to feel insecure when we were intimate. He decided to make it his personal mission to fuck me until I erupted in bliss, and when he was unsuccessful, I saw the frustration mounting. Every time we were alone, his frustration got worse.

  Eventually, it became so frustrating that he was angry all the time. I had seen the writing on the wall by that point and wasn’t surprised when a big fight tore apart the thin strands keeping our relationship together. The big O—and the lack of ever getting one—was my curse. I shouldn’t have expected anything different. My parents didn’t even put an O on the front of my name. Maybe they knew I was broken before I ever opened my eyes and looked at the world that would event
ually become so cruel.

  A few hours later

  “I know you don’t want to go on a date with anyone, but…” Val walked up to my desk after returning from her lunch break.

  “But?” I lifted my head and looked at her.

  “Jonah contacted me. He wants to go on a date.” She sighed and immediately grimaced. “He wants to make it a double date.”

  “So find someone to go with you.” I tilted my head and shrugged.

  “No, he wants you to go—and he wants to bring Dillon.” She grimaced a little harder and her nose wrinkled.

  “That’s not happening.” I quickly shook my head back and forth. “I didn’t even mark him as a yes!”

  “He marked you—he was the only one too.” She sat down next to me. “Please, Livia, I really like Jonah.”

  “Then message him back and let him know that you want to go out with him, but I’m not interested in his friend.” I pulled my hands away from the keyboard and turned towards her. “If he wants to go out with you, then he shouldn’t care if it’s a double date or not.”

  “It isn’t just about sex, you know. I’m sure there are guys that would like you regardless of what goes on in the bedroom.” She tilted her head to the side. “Dillon might be one of them.”

  “Or he could be the kind of guy who decides it’s his personal mission to make me come and feel like a complete failure when he isn’t able to do it.” I sighed, and my shoulders slumped forward. “I’m just not ready to go through that again. Besides, Dillon didn’t want to be at the speed dating event any more than I did. I’m sure Jonah is the one pushing for this—not him.”

  “Maybe…” Val sighed and nodded.

  I was definitely cursed—cursed to reject one of the hottest guys I had ever met—cursed to stay as far away from him as possible. My brain and my body seemed to be on two different wavelengths most of the time. Despite not experiencing an orgasm, I still had a desire for one. I craved the closeness—the passion that took me to the point of regret. It was too bad wanting, and craving couldn’t get the job done. Neither could the vibrator I kept in my nightstand. I had used it to explore every pressure point that was supposed to make me come, from my clit to my imaginary, totally mythological g-spot. Nothing worked. It felt good for a little bit, then it got sensitive, and then I couldn’t feel anything but the frustration of being unable to finish. It wasn’t even worth the effort anymore because I didn’t want to feel that kind of frustration. If something got me excited, I just went to be with wet panties because there was no point in taking them off.

  The next day

  “Please!” Val folded her hands in front of me and started begging in a whiny voice that made her sound like a desperate teenager. “Jonah doesn’t want to go out with me unless it’s a double date.”

  “Shouldn’t that be a sign?” I lifted my head to look at her. “A bad one?”

  “He’s just worried about Dillon. Apparently, Dillon is getting over a bad relationship, and Jonah has been trying to convince him to go out with someone.” She sat down and grabbed my arm. “You don’t have to sleep with him.”

  “I don’t have to go out with him—much less fuck him.” I shook my head back and forth.

  “What if Jonah’s the one? What if he’s the guy I’m supposed to marry?” She squeezed my arm a little harder.

  “If he’s really the one.” I pulled away and made air quotes. “Then I’m sure my reluctance isn’t going to keep you from your destiny.”

  “But what if it does…” She pushed out her bottom lip and pouted.

  “You’re a whiny bitch sometimes, do you know that?” I shook my head back and forth.

  “Only when I’m trying to get my way.” Her pout slowly shifted to a grin. “Please!”

  “No.” I shook my head back and forth again. “It’s not happening.”

  “Livia!” She lifted her foot and stomped it on the floor.

  Oh my god, is she going to have a freaking tantrum in the middle of the office?

  “Your parents spoiled you, didn’t they?” I rolled my eyes.

  “Yes.” She narrowed her eyes. “I was their princess.”

  “You need to be told no sometimes—this is one of those times.” I turned back towards my computer.

  “Ugh—fine!” She stomped her foot harder and stood up. “The death of my love life is on your conscious thought.”

  You haven’t even gone on a date with him—it’s not love.

  Val had good intentions, but she had never been in my position. She didn’t understand how screwed up it was to see the disappointment in someone's eyes when they felt like they were the world’s shittiest lover. She didn’t live through the heartbreak of realizing that something I couldn’t control was going to stand between me and my chance at happiness. I wished things were that simple—I would have done anything to be able to go on a date with a guy and not have the constant worry lingering in the back of my mind. What if I went out with Dillon and actually liked him? What if he liked me? I would have to tell him the truth at some point, and that was a match being thrown into kerosene. The fire would consume whatever we managed to build once he found out my body was broken. There was no reason to do that to either of us, even if it did mean Val missed out on her chance with Jonah.

  Friday afternoon

  “We’re meeting the guys at seven o’clock.” Val walked up and tapped on my desk.

  “What the fuck?” I lifted my head. “No, we’re not!”

  “Yep, I made reservations at The Remington.” She smiled and nodded.

  “Val, I told you that I wasn’t going. Why would you do that?” My mouth fell open in shock.

  “Because I’m a good friend.” Her smile turned into a grin.

  “No, you’re an awful friend—the absolute worst!” I pushed my chair back. “I am not going!”

  “Then I guess you’ll just have to stand Dillon up.” She shrugged. “He’s expecting you though.”

  Val walked away from my desk before I could really go off on her. I couldn’t believe she had gone behind my back and set up a date when I told her that I didn’t want to go.

  She was such a spoiled brat. For the sake of my job and her skull, it was a good thing she walked into a crowd of people gathered near the conference room when she left my desk because I was seriously considering throwing my stapler at her. I fumed for the last few hours of work and then left the office without even talking to her. Anything I said would have been cruel, and I might have resorted to violence, despite being the most non-violent person in the world. I cursed under my breath the whole way home, unlocked my apartment and kept cursing as I walked to the couch and sat down. Val sent me several text messages, begging me not to stand Dillon up, but I completely ignored them. That was all she deserved at that point because my responses would not have been pleasant.

  I can’t believe it—the fucking nerve of that woman!

  I changed into my pajamas and fixed a glass of wine. I wasn’t sure wine was going to be strong enough to kill the anger that was still building, but it was all I had. I flipped through a few television stations while aimlessly scrolling through my phone. An email notification popped up in the corner of my screen, and I clicked on it to find that it was from the speed dating event organizer. I hadn’t marked any of the guys as a yes on my card when I turned it in, so I didn’t collect anyone’s contact information, but it appeared that someone had tried to reach out to me. That meant they marked me as a yes, but I still had an option to decline the message if I wasn’t interested. I was about to delete it immediately when I saw that the message was from Dillon. If I accepted the message, I would have his contact information—that would at least give me a chance to tell him that I wasn’t coming.

  Maybe I can save him some embarrassment and let him know I never agreed to the double date.

  Dillon

  Earlier that day

  “Why don’t you just fucking go out with her if you’re this interested?” I looked over at Jo
nah, who was typing on his phone. “I don’t want to go on a double date—I didn’t even like doing that in high school.”

  “Val says her friend is a lot like you. Things haven’t worked out for her in the past, and she’s stubborn as hell.” Jonah chuckled. “That might as well describe you perfectly.”

  “Aren’t opposites supposed to attract?” I raised my eyebrows inquisitively. “Why would I want a girl that’s just as fucked up as I am?”

  “You can’t spend every weekend on the couch.” He groaned and leaned back in his chair.

  “I haven’t spent every weekend on the couch. I went out with you last weekend to some disastrous speed dating event.” I chuckled under my breath. “Doesn’t that count for anything?”

  “Not when you won’t even try to go out with any of the girls you met!” He shook his head back and forth. “Oh hey, I just got a message from Val. Livia does want to go out tonight.”

  “Probably because Val pestered her until she said yes, just like you’re trying to do to me.” I scoffed and glared at him. “You can go out with Val—it’s fine. I’ve got a date with a bottle of bourbon and my pillow.”

  “At least consider it.” He stood and shoved his phone into his pocket. “I need to get a haircut. Think about it while I’m gone.”

  “I don’t need to.” I waved him off and picked up the television remote.

  I was surprised that Livia had agreed to go out on a double date, considering that she didn’t seem very interested when we were sitting across the table from each other. She didn’t even mark me as a yes on her card. Nobody had, in fact. My standoffish attitude and general disinterest must have done what it was supposed to do—at least at the event.

  I picked up my phone and scrolled through the emails I had from the speed dating event—emails that were inviting me to come back for another one since I didn’t get matched up with anyone who showed the same interest. I lounged around until Jonah returned, and aimlessly flipped through the channels—changing it as quickly as I possibly could when I heard a Christmas jingle. The holidays were the worst, mainly since it was the first one I would be spending without Sarah. I couldn’t wait for normal stuff to remind me of her instead of reliving all our holiday memories when I heard a jingle that was attached to one of our good ones.